Bitter Diatribes and Political Poppycock

Bambi's Got a Gun!!

2005-05-19T08:13:00.000-04:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, now I’ve heard it all.

According to THIS report released by the FBI and the ATF, the United States of America’s Number One Threat is now….(drumroll)….Eco-terrorists. Oh yeah, and Animal Rights Activists.

What the fuck?

Last time I checked, the country was still trying to recover from 9/11, was still engaged in two wars, was still knee-deep in nuclear proliferation, and still couldn’t guarantee a financially secure retirement for its citizens.

Now they say I should watch out for Bambi? Fuck Bambi, I’m keeping an eye out for the Ayatollah, Kim Jong Il, and Osama, not necessarily in that order. I don’t care if the whales commit suicide, or if someone torches a gas station in the name of Mother Earth, and I don’t care if PETA says that pharmaceutical companies are jerking off their monkeys too many times in one day.

That’s not to say I don’t care about animals or our environment. I care about them very much. But in terms of my personal priorities, they rank pretty low (Except of course for my three rabbits, cause if they get even a tiny little bit fucked with, I will have kill you).

How can representatives of the FBI and ATF stand there with a straight face and tell me that tree-huggers are the worst domestic threat? Weren’t these two agencies at Waco? Oklahoma City? The Olympics in Atlanta? Aren’t they thinking forward to a time when suicide bombers discover the US, and how to deal with that? Are they wasting my goddamned tax dollars following a bunch of people whose sole preoccupation is PCBs and Mink Fur?

The article in question goes on to talk about a supposed 1200 incidents involving these two groups over the last year. Funny, I don’t seem to recall hearing about them…that must mean that they didn’t cause a large loss of life or damage to property…so why should I give a shit?

Furthermore, if the Bush Administration is so concerned about those wanting to protect the environment, then maybe they should take care not to trash the environment so willfully, like say, drilling in the Artic Wildlife Refuge.

In the meantime, concentrate on the people who have publicly declared their willingness to destroy our country, and whom have the means to do so. Or we could just hold hands and sing Cum-bah-fucking-yah until the nukes start to hit. That would work for me too.

The Sky is Falling! Thank God!

2005-05-04T07:32:00.000-04:00

Wow, looks like the Prez had a bad month.

First, his nomination of Michael Bolton for UN Ambassador gets challenged by people in his own party, and it looks like it may get thrown out altogether. Then, his idiotic ideas for revising Social Security gets ridiculed on both sides of the house and in the news media. Then, new polls show that now more than half of Americans think our involvement in Iraq is a bad idea. Then, just yesterday, the joint chiefs of staff admitted that the military is stretched too thin due to our involvement in Afghanistan (Yes, we’re still there) and Iraq (Yes, we’re still fucking that country up).

Although I think that any ridicule of Prez Bush’s ideas is wonderful, I still lament the fact that all these mistakes didn’t arise back in September. Then we might have spared ourselves another four years of leadership by a demented cowboy who seems hell bent on either destroying America, or taking over the world one nation at a time.

And all indications are that it’s going to get worse for GWB in the months to come.

On the way are the first lawsuit hearings for the ACLU’s attack on the Patriot act, as well as several Supreme Court decisions dealing with our treatment of combatants in our two latest wars. No matter which way the court goes on these challenges, expect to see a lot of domestic anti-bush propaganda arising at a time when he really needs to be concentrating on international diplomacy. He could just leave it to his newly minted Secretary of State, but she’s a fucking idiot.

Iran has said that they’re going to re-start the making of weapons grade plutonium, assisted by the Russians who seem to be getting pissed off at the US again. On the other side of the globe, North Korea is stepping up the anti-everyone rhetoric, and recently demonstrated its ability to deliver a nuclear weapon via missile. To make matters worse, it appears that Japan and China have once again begun their saber rattling, bringing an end to the uneasy peace the region has enjoyed.

Why is the world getting so crazy? Because everyone can see that the US, normally the global peacekeeper, has it hands way too full. I predict that you will soon see the whole India Pakistan thing flare up again, because people are starting to get the idea that we simply don’t have the manpower or wherewithal to play EarthCop any more.

No matter how it turns out, the world is about to get very interesting. Within the next few days, I plan to publish some more predictions for the future, as well as a proposed future history. In the meantime, clean your gas masks and empty out the bomb shelters. We’re in for a bumpy ride!

I Evolve, Therefore I Am

2005-05-03T09:03:00.000-04:00

It’s 2005, right? We’ve fought a dozen wars, put a probe on Titan, conquered diseases, and even settled that whole Palestinian thing (maybe). So then why on Earth are we still debating evolution?

A lawsuit currently underway in Kansas provides me with enough inspiration to update the blog today. At issue is the Christian Coalition trying to stop the teaching of evolution (read: Anything Darwin proved), and instead focus on Creationism as a matter of fact.

Visitors to this blog in the past will be well acquainted with my views on religion, and while I admit this makes me an impartial commentator, I am still in awe that the Red State mentality is driving so much political fervor these days.

Simply put, religion as an institution relies on the power of faith, and translates that faith into a perspective on how to live your limited life and be promised a reward when you die. No matter how you look at it, religion is just as much a theory as natural selection is, but we have more evidence that natural selection is the force behind evolution than we do evidence that a longhaired man once performed dubious miracles a few thousand years ago and subsequently defied death.

No matter your perspective, the issue here is what to teach our children. While I certainly think that religious aspects of cultural development should be taught in schools, I certainly don’t think they should be presented as a fact that overshadows all other theories.

In 2005, our children have access to an immense source of data, and they are more adept at trolling that data than is the most experienced librarian. Because of this, teachers and parents are having a much harder time trying to shove myths and superstitions at our kids than they were twenty years ago. If kids get confused, they’ll just ask Google. How are you going to argue with the biggest knowledge index ever devised? Who do you think you are – George W. Bush?

I have no doubt that the recent re-visitation of these half-assed theories are augmented by our god-fearing president and a strong Republican government, but now is the time for the Blue States to rise up and use their power against the Christian Right-Wingers. You might not care what’s going on in Kansas today, but in thirty years when those kids start running for office, you’ll easily regret not doing something when you could.

And for the record, I am not anti-religion. I’m pro-fact based reality. Shouldn’t we all be?

GWB will arrest us all...

2005-04-22T07:06:00.000-04:00

Wow. We have some awesomely sick motherfuckers out there. Take THIS GUY, who abducted a 10 year old girl, sexually assaulted her, and then buried her alive.

Obviously, this is a horrible crime, and the guy who did it should be fed through a meat grinder a few times, and then a thermonuclear explosion should incinerate his ashes. Or, we could just do to him what he did to his victim - I’m flexible.

The problem I have with the whole situation is THIS LAW that was passed in the wake of this vicious attack and another, which raises the penalties for child offenders to the highest degrees ever before seen. I know, you’re thinking what’s the problem?

Two Words: Patriot Act

Lately it seems to me that the government is acting like a pubescent teenager, making decisions during the heat of passion that could negatively affect scores of innocent people. After 9/11, lawmakers found it ridiculously easy to pass a set of laws that infringed upon our civil liberties, and eroded our right to privacy.

Wouldn’t it make more sense to have a cooling off period after a situation and the passage of a law? Before making decisions that drastically affect the future, shouldn’t we see what new information is developed and what new evidence is introduced? Isn’t this the reason that you can’t get a divorce until you first go through a period of separation? Why do anything before you’re absolutely sure it needs to be done?

Now call me a liberal asshole, but although child offenders are the worse sort of scum we’ve created as a species, they are still entitled to protection under the constitution. Just like the Patriot Act makes it a lot easier to declare someone a terrorist, this law makes it easier for someone just interested in a little legal pornography to make an honest mistake and get himself jailed for life.

As for the bastard who inflicted such horror on an unexpecting family, let him rot in hell for eons, but let’s make absolutely sure that he’s the one to blame first. Isn’t that the definition of civilization in the first place?

Random Thoughts and Wild Conjecture

2005-04-20T08:14:00.000-04:00

No, I’m not a Republican – I don’t care what the title of today’s blog is…anyway, here are my daily brain farts from the past week or so, for whoever might happen to give a shit:
____________________

Someone should’ve thought to tell the new pope that “Benedict” isn’t a name that has the greatest connotations…

Martha Stewart has roared back onto the scene after getting released from prison, and her net worth is higher than ever. You can almost hear Winona Ryder and Hugh Grant saying “What the Fuuuuucck?”

Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice recently criticized Russia’s Democratic Record, namely the fact that Vladimir Putin has given himself so much power. The guy used to work for the KGB…enough said.

A giant iceberg recently slammed the ice shelf in Antarctica, after breaking off due to the increasingly bad effects of global warming. Republicans still refuse to believe that this “theory” is a scientific fact, but curiously enough Halliburton Industries recently bought several sunblock and umbrella companies…I’m bettin’ that’s not a good sign.

A 10-Year old North Carolina boy recently shot his mother to death before killing himself. What’s that campaign slogan of GWB’s again? “No Child Left Behind”? Maybe it should be amended to include “…except the ones in the morgue.”

A 64 year old Florida man recently was arrested after putting five bullets through the hood of his broken down car, claiming he was “putting it out of its misery.” He went on to say that “Everyone has wanted to do this. It was worth every damn minute in jail.” I have no sarcastic comment for this guy, just a big round of applause.

The Transportation Security Administration (TSA) was recently slammed over reports of “waste and fraud”. It seems that one of their employees used their government charge card to install luxury office space for his employees at the cost of half a million dollars. As a government employee myself, I can say that occurrences such as this are not as rare as you may think. And I only work in one office, of one region, of one agency. Multiply the problem by maybe 10,000, and you start to get a vague idea of why the federal deficit is so high. Hey, my supervisor makes $113,000 per year, and he barely speaks English.

Following a report that concludes that India has the highest HIV-positive population in the world, India responded by calling the report “Nonsense, pure nonsense. Now please pass the AZT.”

And finally, Zacharias Moussaoui, the only man arrested in connection with the 9/11 attacks, has recently said that he would plead guilty in his upcoming trial. This guy is 150 pounds of Hate in a yellow jumpsuit, but if you locked me up for three years with no trail, no lawyers, and no hope, I would agree to plead guilty to the bombing of the fucking Hindenburg, even though I wasn’t alive at the time.

Pope and Circumstance

2005-04-11T09:15:00.000-04:00

Let me begin by first saying that I am not a “believer”. The concept of religion, to me, is outdated and, dare I say it? - Unnecessary. I hold with the belief that organized religion rose out of the need to lead large groups of people before civilization took hold. The first man who was worshipped as a God was probably the first guy who guessed the weather with more than 50% accuracy. And it was good.

This blog fell silent last week, because I had the urge to write about the passing of Pope John Paul II, but didn’t know what to say. It’s hard to write about a man who lived an amazing life without also commenting on religious ideas, and more specifically the totally backwards Roman Catholic Church.

To begin with, our Late Pope was a real man. He faced down the Germans during World War II, and then faced down the Russians for an encore. He brought his message to over 120 countries, and even took a bullet for his beliefs. I think you could rightly say that this was a man who wasn’t afraid of anything, least of all death. Think John Wayne with a pointy hat.

So, if he was so fearless – why didn’t he change the church for the better?

Granted, the Roman Catholic Church now does more good than harm (Once they got those pesky Crusades out of the way), but most of its ideas and beliefs can accurately be referred to as “antiquated” and “nonsensical”.

After all, how can you believe in the sanctity of life, but yet refuse to hand out condoms to full-blown AIDS patients? How can you believe in “Eye for an Eye” but not a women’s right to choose? How can you still fail to acknowledge the millions of dead humans who refused to accept the Lord as the one true God during a misguided attempt to fill your coffers?

As someone who was raised Roman Catholic but left the fold after realizing that the entire religion was based on guilt and fear – I must admit I still have momentary stomach flutters whenever someone mentions the word “hell” or “sin”. Before deciding to remain agnostic, I read up on our more popular religions trying to find one that sat right with my own moral compass – and I was sorely disappointed.

If the Roman Catholic Church is going to function as a business, then it needs to start capturing the attention of the younger generation. This is difficult, because the generation in question has more access to certain unassailable and universal truths – which religious teachings go against. We can thank the Internet for that. If the Church is to get over that big hump – it needs to start meeting truths with truth, and stay away from the mystical aspects therein.

If the Church does not want to function as a business, but instead as a spiritual aid to those in need – then it needs to begin celebrating the faith-based aspects of it’s teachings. It needs to implore that God does not make the Church – his disciples do. In other words – Bring back the Joy, and they will come.

I call upon our next Pope to look at things with an unbiased opinion, and make the changes that need to be made. I think we’re better off with religion in our lives – but I can’t recommend any of them as a good choice right now. Without looking at the current state of affairs honestly, and without acknowledging past errors in judgment, you will never attract a generation of information swallowing, speed of light surfing adolescents who are searching for higher meaning. They’ll look elsewhere, and it may be to our detriment. Both as a country, and as a race.

Amen.

Reasons to Leave the Planet

2005-03-23T10:42:00.000-05:00

With the huge growth in the private spaceflight field, I thought it prudent to prepare a list of reasons why we should all stick a rocket up our ass and blast off into the unknown, never to return:

People such as George W. Bush, Michael Jackson, Britney Spears, Reverend Al Sharpton, Orin Hatch, Newt Gingrich, Elmo, and my Parents are all excellent reasons to leave the planet immediately.

Taxes

Huge meteors streaking toward the planet as we speak.

Solar Radiation

Rising Gas Prices

Rising Beer Prices

Rising Drug Prices (Legal and Illegal)

Continuing scarcity of beautiful virgins willing to become my love slave.

Continuing scarcity of anyone willing to become my love slave.

Did I mention George W. Bush?

Nuclear Proliferation. I saw a ten year old playing with an H-bomb on the corner last night…

Cheap Real Estate everywhere else in the Universe except Earth. I assume this also applies to taxes, car insurance, groceries, and high-speed modem fees.

Pollution

The lack of any clear planetary goals

The lack of any clear leadership

The lack of any clear walls in ladies locker rooms

Too much paperwork – for everything

Traffic. A family of three usually has at least 12 cars.

Too many goddamned smelly, whiny, wimpy, self-absorbed, blind, deaf, stupid, and fat people.

The lack of huge network TV coverage whenever I update my blog.

ATM’s never malfunction and spit out money when I walk by.

The despair and hopelessness that seems to consume everyone eventually.

Math, Algebra, Study Hall, Target Practice

2005-03-22T08:46:00.000-05:00

Well, I see HERE that yet another one of our precious children had it up to here with society yesterday. So he took himself down the local family-friendly Walmart, bought himself a few pistols and a shotgun, and proceeded to his school. When he got there, he proceeded to blow away anyone he saw, and eyewitnesses say he was laughing and waving during the whole ordeal.

To state the obvious, this is a horrible tragedy.

However, I can’t help but reflect on a society that allows one of its children to get so fed up with his own life and prospects for the future that he decides to commit suicide, and bring people with him to boot.

America is supposedly this wonderful country, full of freedom and opportunity. We stand as a beacon of light on the hill of civilization, preaching our ways to the third world masses. Last I recall, no one in Ethiopia was killing people at the local school – they were probably too busy starving to death and avoiding genocide.

Admittedly, things are better here than they are most places – but we seem to have some problems that come along with that – problems no one else has. Take a look at our drug epidemics, our race wars, our homophobia. We cannot guarantee health care to our citizens, nor retirement when they get old. We can’t be sure that our high school graduates are literate, and we have never been able to guarantee more than 15 years without a major war or conflict.

To make matters worse, when something like this disaster happens, it takes second place in the news. First Place? Ah, yes, its the fight over the proposed euthanasia of a woman who will obviously never recover. Why are we so concerned with the rights of Terri Schiavo and not the rights of our children to grow up without fear, without oppression, and without catching some #7 buckshot?

I think I’ve spent enough time on this blog imploring you all to become more familiar with current events, but now I implore you to read the news and notice the placement of the stories. Notice what comes first and what is buried on page 97.
Notice what they don’t mention at all…

UN = Uniting Nobody

2005-03-21T10:45:00.000-05:00

Well, according to THIS article, Koffi Annan is suggesting some radical changes to the UN this week. Perhaps he has finally realized that the United Nations is an impotent body of bureaucrats with interests that can best be described as “self-serving”.

When Woodrow Wilson first suggested the idea of a global-opinion forming body, he was searching for something to “create mutual guarantees of the political independence and territorial integrity of States, large and small equally." Perhaps I’ve been watching the wrong UN…

In the past few years, we’ve seen the UN come under fire for ethics violations and sexual harassment cases. We’ve seen this body be openly ignored in favor of attacking Iraq, and publicly vilified for its contributions to genocide problems in Africa.

So, my question is this: Is the UN still needed?

Answer: Yes, but only if it realizes its limited scope and power – which it has never done.

I’m in favor of the UN, simply because our 100+ countries need an open forum to discuss matters of mutual interest, with the help of non-involved peers. The board of the UN was originally intended to serve as an uninterested third party to facilitate disputes. But, if you’re going to fill the board with human beings – how do you possible expect them to be impartial? Humans are corruptible to be sure, but beyond that hard fact of life is that admission to the board of the UN does not make one forget his obligations to his country of origin.

In addition to that is the rather stupid idea of giving each of the five permanent member countries a global veto right over the other four – what madness is this? Under this system, you need to get 4 billion people to agree on something! As Americans, we often argue about what to have for dinner! How about – and I know this a weird concept – we apply the principle of democracy to the UN? Voting! Majority Rules! All votes equal! Am I speaking ancient Greek here? Epsilon kappa…ah, never mind.

In the meantime, I think Koffi needs to dust off the old resume and log onto www.monster.com. He hasn’t done a good job of running the UN, updating it’s archaic policies, or bringing it into the 21st century. Donald Trump, can you help us out with your trademark phrase?

Too Much For Us Now No More Of This

2005-03-18T14:04:00.000-05:00

This is unlike me, but I would like to interject a somber note:

Terri and Michael Schiavo were married.

This gives him legal custody over her.

This allows him to speak for her.

Michael says she wouldn’t want to live like this.

The opinion of her family, parents, friends, and various right-wingers using this for their own purposes – means nothing.

Please let her go. If what Michael says is true, and she wouldn’t want to live like this, then how do you think she would feel about this debacle?

If you love something…let it go.

It's Quiet. Too Quiet...

2005-03-16T08:21:00.000-05:00

So let’s get this straight:

We’re born helpless and vulnerable. We spend five years catching up with our brainpan, during which we spend a lot of time stuffing inedible things into our mouths and messing our pants like there’s no tomorrow. Then, we spend around 13-20 years in education, learning about the insane race we’re being asked to join. Then, we spend about 35 years working full time jobs that we hate. At the end of those thirty years, we cut our salaries by two thirds and take our desecrated bodies to Florida and begin to complain about loud children. About 20 years after that (If we’re lucky) we die.

During that 70-80 year lifespan, we may be fortunate enough to engage in parties, vacations, and hopefully our fair share of lovemaking. It seems, though, that the predominate amount of our precious time on Earth is spent doing things we hate. And every year it gets worse.

Now, thanks to GWB’s bloody wars and dread diseases, people in the 20-30 year old range are learning that even our measly retirement in the future may not be guaranteed. We may have to work indefinitely, trying to fix the mistakes of our forebears and being taxed because of their bad decisions.

But where is the revolt? Where is the outrage? Simple. Most people in that 20-30 year range aren’t paying attention. And that will cost them.

Personally, I’d love to see a world where you’re handed $3 million on your eighteenth birthday and sent out into the open to live life as you see fit, on your own schedule. The global morale boost such a system would produce would immediately bring world peace to the masses, as well as ensure people would never run out of beer. However, until we make contact with an alien species willing to pay $100 million for every lawyer we give them for food, this will never achieve fruition.

In the meantime, I implore the one or two people who bother to read this blog to begin paying more attention to current events. If you’re running low on time, try just reading the things that will affect you personally, which is about 6% of it (Figure pulled out of my ass).

Chinese Food and Freedom Fries

2005-03-14T12:49:00.000-05:00

Well, as you can see HERE, China has at long last signed a law that says they may use military force to quell succession from the peace loving communist state. Good thing these guys weren’t around to talk to Thomas Jefferson…

The whole “Taiwan as a Renegade Province” thing has been at a stalemate for a while now due to China not wanting to piss of the United States, as well as most of the rest of the world. In my opinion, this latest saber-rattling bill passage is a consequence we should have seen coming: The US is currently occupying Afghanistan and Iraq, and is considering turning Iran and North Korea into a parking lot. As such, this is a perfect time for China to take back what they think is rightfully theirs. You don’t steal food from the lion in his den, you wait till he goes out to party.

Regarding Taiwan, I’m a firm supporter of their rights to be a free, independent, and sovereign nation. They have democratic elections, a well-armed military (thanks to us), and they make most of the small consumer electronics that we get the DT’s without.

On the other hand, China has every right to be angry about a bunch of rebels and traitors who stole an entire island and started begging China’s sworn enemy for help. That being said, China needs to realize the changes in the world and just let go of Taiwan. They should go back to their natural talent, and wait patiently for a better opportunity in a few hundred years when the US is nothing but a wasteland punctuated by abandoned gas stations.

What I find so laughable about this whole affair is the staunch and unwavering support that the United States gives to Taiwan, and “other groups of people willing to accept democracy as a way of life.”

I can’t help but wonder if they would feel the same way if me and 47,000 of my closest friends on Long Island all of a sudden declared independence from New York and the US, setting up our own new country called “The Anarchistic Republic of Long Island.” We could ask Saudi Arabia to equip a large army for us, and then we can start manufacturing rocket launchers and sell them to any Islamic Mujahadeen we happen to come across…that would be ok, right?

I guess my point here is that the US supports the succession of anyone from anywhere, except against itself.

And that, in a nutshell, is why foreigners – without fail – call us hypocrites.

And they’re right.

Martha Stewart...To Kill or Not to Kill

2005-03-07T08:56:00.000-05:00

Occasionally a current event provides me with so much mental fodder that I’m unable to come up with a clear viewpoint to follow, and hence write about on this blog. My current cerebral ping-pong game focuses on the continuing adventures of Martha Stewart, and her recent release from prison after serving five months.

How do I currently feel about the Queen of Perfection? I have no idea, but let me try and break it down for you:

Bad Point: Martha is rich. Filthy rich. The kind of riches that would dwarf a MegaMillion Lottery win. Not quite as much as Bill Gates, but she could certainly walk into any store in America, buy whatever she wants, and not have to scrimp in other areas of her normal life to pay for it. With this kind of money…why did she risk so much to save $30,000?

Good Point: When her idyllic lifestyle hit the fan, Martha did what many of us would never do: She took the hit. Although she had a thousand appeals and continuances she could have filed, Martha decided to swallow her pride and voluntarily serve her sentence. She choose to leave her hundred-plus acre estates and show up at a white collar prison to start mopping floors. If that wasn’t enough, she did this in full view of an increasingly critical public and media. In short, Martha showed the world that she has balls. Big ones. I assume, of course, that they are color coordinated with her daily wardrobe.

Bad Point: Martha is almost an anachronism in this day and age, promoting the bygone lifestyle of stay-at-home moms spending all their time in tomato gardens, or putting on dinner parties for the successful hubby. Her company has made no real strides to market their products to men, unlike other magazines such as “Gourmet” or “Food and Wine”. As someone who loves to cook (and who does it so well :-), I find Martha’s recipes inaccessible, her shopping lists obtuse, and her general attitude of “nothing less than perfection” to be…ludicrous. She fails to promote the fun in life – she just makes sure it looks pretty.

Good Point: Upon her release from prison, Martha returned to her much-lauded 100+ acre estate, where she was surrounded by reporters begging for a photo or a sound bite. Martha’ first taste of freedom in five months, and she finds herself beset on all sides by a group of people who spent a good two years dragging her name, company, and ambitions through the mud for no gain other than money. So what does Martha do? Get out the shotgun? Have them moved down the street? Nope. She serves them Hot Chocolate, with a smile. Martha not only has balls, she has class.

Bad Point: If I was just released from prison, my first priorities would probably be a liquor store and a whorehouse. Crude, but understandable. Martha, however, has already signed on for a reality show a la “The Apprentice” in which she will presumably try to find someone who is good at cooking, and not stock market fluctuations. This just smacks to me of selling out and cashing in on current celebrity. Besides which, should we show our children a convicted felon on primetime TV, as well as people fighting to emulate her?

Good Point: Whatever Martha did wrong, and whether or not it was intentional, isn’t so important as recognizing that she has paid her debt to society. In serving her time, she has been humbled before the masses and now deserves our respect. She has a clean slate, and should be treated like it. She won’t be – but that’s her fucking problem.

In short, I personally dislike Martha Stewart, but I give her a lot of credit for going through the wretched hell of the past few years. I recommend that she goes slowly in her new life, and she might consider hiring a really really good PR expert.

On the other hand, I'm reminded of the immortal words of Tyler Durden from Fight Club: “Fuck Martha Stewart! She’s just polishing the brass on the Titanic, we’re all going down anyway!”

A list of Demands, in no particular order.

2005-03-03T08:12:00.000-05:00

For my continued happiness, I immediately demand:

Free Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream every Thursday.

The immediate carpet bombing of Australia. (Why? Fuck them, that’s why)

A raise and a promotion at my shitty job.

Prohibition of organized sports.

Public Tar and Feathering of the entire Bush Administration (1st, 2nd and 3rd)

A New Car…

…with Turbo Boost, like KITT from Knight Rider. (LI Traffic sucks)

Execution of all contestants who’ve ever been on “American Idol” (including the Judges)
That goes for “The Apprentice” “Survivor” “The Bachelorette” and “Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancé” as well. I grant an exception to “The Rebel Billionaire” because it was a cool show, which of course no one watched.

The power to control people’s minds so that the nation will become a bunch of automatons willing to do my bidding.

Or at the very least, the power to control Angelina Jolie’s mind.

Or just my boss.

Saturn. The moons too.

A public apology from the Pope for encouraging a religion based on guilt and fear.

A big house on the water, surrounded my machine guns and tank emplacements to keep out the masses.

A million billion jillion dollars, in tens and twenties.

A huge pit to keep it all in.

A dog. No, a puppy. Maybe two puppies.

The secrets of the universe, preferably in .pdf format.

The Exploding Rivet Gun from “Metal Arms” for XBOX. (Best game ever)

Connie Pitches a Fit!

2005-03-01T10:13:00.000-05:00

THIS article bothers me on so many levels, and since I’ve dedicated this blog to bitching about things I cannot change, I thought we’d talk about this today.

Some background on the story goes like this: George Bush Sr. learned years ago that by promising a North American Missile Defense Shield (referred to from here on in as NADS), he could get all his rich contractor buddies to kick in millions to his campaign fund because they’d make so much money building it. But then it turned out that he was an ineffective simp of a president that no one wanted to listen to, let alone re-elect. So NADS dropped out of the public consciousness until yet another ineffective simp got elected, by coincidence alone (yeah right), it was George W. Bush.

Now, I know that in present times it seems like Nuclear Weapons are available in every supermarket, and for that reason alone having a NADS makes sense. But, when you think about the main threats facing the homeland, a nuclear delivery by ballistic missile isn’t high on the list. Right now the only hostile country to have an even remote possibility of hitting the homeland is North Korea, and while I doubt that their missiles would even take off without blowing up the silo, it’s still a serious threat. But, it’s the ONLY threat of this kind.

Instead of spending a few billion dollars to protect North America, why don’t we just spend a few million to protect California? For the cost of a few Aegis-class missile frigates, we can substantially reduce the threat level faced by the west coast. I know that this might leave Canada and Mexico uncovered, but I somehow think that they can deal with their plethora of enemies in another way. Like throwing snowballs or unused ketchup packets…

Regarding the above linked article from CNN.com, apparently Canada agrees with me because they have publicly dropped their support of NADS.

In apparent retaliation, Connie Rice decided to cancel her upcoming visit to Canada.

First off, this completely smacks of pettiness and immaturity. Secondly, this is not a great diplomatic move for our Secretary of State to make. Thirdly, does GWB honestly believe that he can pressure every single simple asshole in the world to do exactly what he wants, when he wants it?

Fourthly, is our SECSTATE'S intelligence so little that she actually beleives Canada will make a major national security policy change after she refused an invitation for lunch?

Also, I’d like to say hats off to Canada for treating the US like they deserve over the past few years. Canadians seem to have an accurate view of what true sovereignty means, and they don’t want it violated under any circumstances, especially by such an arrogant bunch of silver-spoon suckers.

On the other hand, at least this makes it easier for nuclear Armageddon to occur. Yay!!!

A Case of the Mondays

2005-02-28T12:36:00.000-05:00

I have nothing useful to offer today.

It happens to the best of us.

Unless the Universe falls to the Big Crunch in the next 24 hours, I'll be back tommorow.

World Peace? I'd rather have a beer!

2005-02-24T06:38:00.000-05:00

I, Grimm of this Blog, have a plan for World Peace.

First, give up any and all hope for world peace, ever. With seven billion people living and working and shitting in such a small place, there will always be conflict. However, that’s not to say that we can’t turn a blind eye to conflict, and start letting the rest of the world figure out their own fucking problems.

My plan for this is as follows:

Immediately close every single overseas military base, outpost, embassy, and McDonalds. Take all this equipment and personnel, and bring them back home for assignment to the hugely expanded US Border Patrol. With 3 Aircraft Carriers on each coast, and soldiers standing shoulder to shoulder along Canada and Mexico, you’ll find it’s very difficult for even a mosquito to get into the country without us knowing about it. This could have avoided all that trouble with the Spice Girls a few years back.

Abandon Alaska, Hawaii, and Puerto Rico at once! Hawaii is mostly owned by Japan anyway, and being an island it’s hard to defend. Alaska can be made into it’s own country (with a self-sufficient economy thanks to oil), and no one remembers why we own Puerto Rico in the first place.

Send the Bush family to Alaska before we sell it. Make sure the Eskimos understand we don’t want them back.

Make a proclamation to the world revising the Monroe Doctrine (at long last) stating that from now on, everyone is on their own. We don’t care how oppressed, poor, disaster ravaged, or diseased you are. Depend on your own leaders to get you out of situations that are largely their own creation anyway. While we will be happy to keep open our trade agreements, since most of the world can’t live without our grain, no contact of any other kind will be tolerated. While this would mean the total obliteration of Israel, South Korea, Taiwan, and maybe Britain, I think we’ve more than fulfilled our obligations to them.

This plan will save billions of dollars every year. For the first five years of closed borders, take this money and put it into a public or private agency dedicated to the colonization of space. Classify their work for the entire five years. At the end of five years, make a further announcement to the world that the US no longer recognizes the 1967 Outer Space Treaty, and that from now, all objects in the solar system are up for grabs to the first person to get there. The next day, immediately launch manned missions to the moon and mars, and claim them for our own. Who wants fucking Saturn anyway?

When mars is completely terra-formed, all Americans will evacuate the Earth, leaving the heathens to their own mess. Before we leave, we can auction the contiguous 48 states on Ebay to the highest bidder. Who wouldn’t wanna own a deserted Washington DC? I bet Osama would be all over that one…

As you can see, it’s a well reasoned, fully thought out plan. It’s a shame it’ll never happen, cuz Earth is doomed any way you look at it. Which is find by me, really. Like I said, I’ll be dead when it happens.

George W. Bush has the Intelligence of a Mealworm

2005-02-23T06:42:00.000-05:00

Yes, I know – that isn’t exactly news, but I saw this article yesterday and I couldn’t quite pass up the opportunity to mention it here. A direct quote from Bush in the article is:

"This notion that the United States is getting ready to attack Iran is simply ridiculous. Having said that, all options are on the table,"

Is there any red-blooded American out there (with an IQ of above 80, sorry “Red States”) that doesn’t find this statement both hilarious and ridiculous at the same time? While I realize that’s always been a cornerstone of communiqués from the Bush Administration, this little sound bite must have had Karl Rove in the shitter all day with stomach cramps.

First off, the statement is absolutely false. How can it not be? Does anyone really think that they haven’t thought of attacking Iran yet? Especially now that we have two wonderful staging areas due west? Honestly, I hope they have considered attacking, otherwise they would be remiss in the defense of America. But, I really hope that GWB is smart enough to realize that if the United States attacked and invaded a third Arab nation within as many years that it would completely and utterly remove any possibility of prolonged peace in the region for all of our lifetimes?

Now, I know Iran has a nuclear facility. Maybe they even have The Bomb. Maybe Osama is hangin’ wit’ the Shah as we speak, cleaning his Tec-9 and rolling some opium. Even if all of this is true, past diplomatic blunders will completely remove any possibility of support from any other country if we decided to attack, with the exception of poor Britain, who would have no choice but to help us.

This whole quote from Bush just reeks of last month’s fish to me, and is a surprising replay of the rhetoric he was spouting in the wind-up to the invasion of Iraq. Did the White House’s playbook have every single page ripped out except one? What’s next, a UN briefing from Connie in which she shows a bunch of grainy photographs that later turn out to be absolutely false?

GWB, if you’re reading this, do a humble citizen a small favor. For now, concentrate on the despotic country that WE KNOW FOR SURE has nuclear weapons. You know, the one that has the capability to launch them on California? The one that has shown no interest in diplomatic solutions? Can you really afford another yearlong desert scavenger hunt in which all you find is some petrified camel turds at the cost of a thousand dead American Soldiers?

Of course, maybe that would be a good thing – it would get you impeached for sure, and maybe we’d all stop being such pussies and bring back tar and feathering as a punishment for inept leaders like you!

No asshole, I didn't see "The Game" last night...

2005-02-22T07:47:00.000-05:00

I am becoming increasingly pissed-off with these testosterone soaked idiots who spend their precious evening time watching a bunch a multi-bazillion-aires throwing or hitting a fucking ball for three hours. If that isn’t bad enough, they have to come in to work the next day and waste even more precious time talking about “The Game”. They need to discuss who won and lost, who made an error, which coach made a wrong move, etc. Who gives a shit?!?

Baseball is the most boring invention of all time, and anyone who disagrees probably also enjoys watching NASCAR. Somebody throws a ball. Someone hits it, or they don’t. Someone catches it, or they don’t. Someone runs around a diamond, or they don’t. They score, or they don’t. Then someone smacks their ass, someone else sells peanuts, and some 80 year old geriatric spends a little while talking about glory days gone by. Cut to a few beer commercials, and the game is over. Whoop-de-fucking-doo!!

Football? All you demented frigging homosexuals out there who use tackling as an socially acceptable alternative to televised ass-ramming need to get a goddamned grip. This sport takes a bunch of obese, steroid soaked, undereducated psychopaths and gives them a ball made out of the skin of a dead animal. They then proceed to try and move this ball in ten-yard increments while the other team tries their very best to kill the person holding the ball. Then some cheerleaders (which are only there as a heterosexual subterfuge) bounce and sing a little bit, cut to a few beer commercials, and the game is over.

NASCAR?? FUCKING NASCAR IS A SPORT? A bunch of small men with even smaller dicks get into brightly painted cars with oversized engines and proceed to drive miles and miles in a complete circle? And even more insane is the fact that people show up and stare at this shit! They love it so much they put stickers on their cars and pick favorite drivers. These people should stick to watching the clothes go around and around in a washing machine – it’s more educational at least.

Why do we as a society felt he need to still put on these “games” like a bunch of ancient Romans? As a child, I’m sure these help build team skills and help you make friends, but there reaches a point where you have to grow the fuck up, and stop crying when billionaire Roger Clemens doesn’t throw at least 20 strikes in a night. IT DOESN’T MATTER!! Spend this time with your kids, your family, washing the dog. ANYTHING that contributes to society!
On a final note, props to the NHL for giving up. I think we should all give up. Permanently.

The World is Ending, and I Don’t Care

2005-02-22T06:24:00.000-05:00

Has anyone else noticed the mass proliferation of natural disasters lately? Earthquakes in Japan and Nepal, then Mt.St. Helens nearly blew her lid a few months back, to be followed by a massive earthquake and subsequent tsunami after Christmas, and now another earthquake in Iran this morning leaves another few hundred dead. Soon it’ll be time for California Wildfires, then the black fungus should come back in the Gulf of Mexico right after El Nino stops. Oh, and don’t forget the four hurricanes in a row last September. It seems like the Earth is getting more and more dangerous.

Although I’m in favor of environmental controls and restrictions, I normally don’t agree with the zealotry of tree-huggers and Greenpeace types who want us all to start wearing plastic shoes and to stop eating anything that has feet. However, lately I can’t help but wonder if all these natural disasters are Earth’s way of fighting back against a parasitic species so focused on it’s own advancement that it cares nothing of the messes it leaves behind.

Could natural disasters be a form of natural selection? The much-publicized tsunami of a few months back was a horrible tragedy, but consider the global impact of 200,000 people disappearing at once. Oxygen levels probably rose minutely almost immediately. Although the economy of affected cities will suffer in the short term, will they rise in the long term with so fewer people to drain resources? Consider also that 200,000 less people means at least 1,000,000 less children for the next 20 years. Which means at least 1,000,000,000 less people in 100 years.

Everyone seems awful focused on terrorism and nuclear weapons lately, but no one is paying attention to our most dangerous enemy – the Earth itself. Humanity needs to seriously begin planning for the day when the Earth is no longer habitable, and the latest pussy plans from NASA calling for a return to the moon in 20 years isn’t going to cut it! By now, there should already be a Club Med on Mars. It only makes sense to have a backup plan, fuck politics!!

Of course, when humans need to evacuate Earth, I will probably already be dead. So what do I care?

Dan Rather Can Lick My Gonads

2005-02-18T07:43:00.000-05:00

Well, well, well. According to this CNN.com article, CBS is planning a prime-time tribute to say good-bye to it's long-time news anchor, Dan Rather.

You know, annoying award shows throughout the year are bad enough, but now we're going to waste our precious time watching a documentary about someone who spent 30 years reading shit out loud that someone else wrote?

Sure, I know Danny-boy has been there through a lot, but how much actual reporting did he do? I.E., come up with an idea for a story, perform research, interview witnesses, assemble a coherent piece and have it approved by an editor and a lawyer etc, etc. Every major coup that CBS scored during those 30 years has nothing to do with Rather! The credit belongs to his troves of assistants and producers who do all the work for him, edit the peices, arrange interviews, and cut the final segment. Rather just shows up, stands where he's told, and reads from a teleprompter!

Do you really think that Dan Rather picked up his cell phone almost two years ago, made an overseas call to Saddamn Hussein, and said "Hey, Sayedi - I'm gonna pop over for a peice, maybe jam wit'cha a little bout this WMD thang." Of course not. Matter of fact, i'd bet money that when the president of CBS sat Rather down and told him he was going to Iraq, Rather started crying like a little bitch: "B-b-but there's complete anarchy and civil war there! Send me to Atlanta instead!"

Fuck Dan Rather! And fuck Tom Brokaw and Peter Jennings and all these other elocutionized pussies who think they deserve a fucking nobel prize just for reading out loud stories about car wrecks every goddamned night while a nation of idiotic simps watches, drooling stupidly.

Yeah!!

Things I really fucking hate...

2005-02-18T06:27:00.000-05:00

Well, I didn't get nearly enough sleep last night, so everything today has been pissing me off so far.

I hate that fact that every single goddamned alarm clock I've ever owned eventually tunes it's radio to atmospheric noise no matter what I do. I tune it to the most powerful radio stations in the area, and within three days it's back to blasting "Scchhchchccchhchcchhchchcchc" every friggin' morning at 5:20am.

But that isn't the worse part! After that, I get to enjoy the privilege of sharing Long Island's only well-designed highway with a bunch of mental hospital escapees, all of which drive 7-ton vehicles without the slightest clue on how to control them. Of course, all this driving needs to be done at 3.46 times the speed of sound, and has to involve as much signal-less lane changing as possible, lest one of your fellow drivers actually have the foggiest notion of what you and your battle tank are going to do next.

I also really can't stand that every pair of shoes I've ever owned eventually develop the nastiest foot-funk smell, no matter what I do! And of course this usually happens well before the actual life of the shoe itself has been exhausted.

I absolutely loathe the people I share a house with, because they seem to think that the front yard is some sort of satellite office of the local garbage dump. First they start leaving the garbage cans all over the property, but I guess they got tired of that because now they leave them on their sides on the front lawn, which really makes the house look beautiful. Never mind the fact that they eat fried chicken 17 times a week, making the entire house smell like a fucking KFC.

There are so many people in the world who should drop dead immediately!! Like, where did all these people come from? When I was a kid I remember lots more open spaces, more room in the stores, shorter lines at the bank. I'm starting to think that the Aliens are among us, because people simply could not have fucked all this much to create all these children.

I also hate my job, my apartment, my car, my clothes, my family, my co-workers, my neighbor's dog, and the industrial sized air conditioner located directly over my desk that is starting to interfere with my thought process.

I think that's enough for now.

Kyoto Consequences?

2005-02-17T12:59:00.000-05:00

Proposed Future History-

2005 – United States refuses to sign Kyoto Protocol calling for reduction of fossil fuel.

2010 – Theory of Global Warming finally “confirmed” when the entire fucking continent of Antarctica evaporates in August.

2011 – Kevin Costner of “Waterworld” infamy issues press release from his submerged island paradise: “I was right! And “The Postman” was a good movie!”

2011 – The rest of the world realizes that the four feet of water in their living rooms is entirely the fault of the United States

2012 – Open warfare involving Water Balloons and Super Soakers takes place. On one side is the US, on the other is everyone else. No winner is decided, because soldiers are too busy treading water.

2014 – Human Beings live mostly on huge boats that endlessly circle the planet, trying to avoid massive storms. “The Love Boat” re-runs see a surprising revival.

2025 – George W. Bush, freshly elected into his seventh term (He burned the constitution over 20 years ago), attempts to invade another nation’s boat because of evidence they have “The last known supply of Hot Salsa” The claim is rejected in the floating UN, but the US invades anyway.

2030 – The last US ship is sunk after George W. Bush insists that he can drive it better than the captain.

2031 – Peace returns at last to a submerged world, but there is evidence of giant squid mutating to be over 300 feet long. Humans lose all hope, and commit suicide. Every one of them. And it was good.

THE END

North Korea Has Nukes, Why Don't I?

2005-02-17T06:52:00.000-05:00

I'll admit it freely: I'm a news junkie. I'm the type of guy who, when tired of channel surfing, turns on CNN or one of the other 24-hour news channel and stares at it for hours on end as they either discuss news with global impacts, or the health problems related to drinking more than 6 ounces of coffee a day. When online, CNN.com gets clicked upon at least once an hour, as does ABCNews, MSNBC, BBC, Associated Press, Reuters. I think that this constant reading from various sources allows to me to say that I am relatively aware of much of the major happenings in the world.

And that's why it pains me so much to click on CNN and see in "Top Stories" that Christine Aguilera got engaged (Who gives a flying fuck?), or that Ashley Olsen is suing the Enquirer for $40 mill cuz they called her a doped-out skinny whore. (OK, they didn't say that - I did). Where is the hard news? Where are the stories that impact EVERYONE, and not just love-sick little teeny boppers that don't read CNN anyway? And when you do have hard news to write about, why waste your time with fourth-grade-reading-level Q&A sessions, or write articles that only mask your own stupidity?

Case-in-point, THIS article from over-exalted TIME Magazine, which asks the downright hokey question of "What Does North Korea Want?"

First off, North Korea wants nothing. Kim Jong Il, however, wants something very important. He wants to stay in power indefinitely! He saw what happened to Saddamn Hussein, and realized we wouldn't have conquered Iraq so easily if they actually had the WMD that our own "Fearless Leader" swore he did (More on GWB later...lots more). So, Kim put two and two chopsticks together and realized that without some sort of backing to his brass balls attitude, he was only one Connie and Rummy away from the threat of regime change, which is the only thing in the world that this commie fuck fears.

After all, he runs a country of 23 million people that are all scared to death of him. He uses public executions and starvation as motivational tools, and he's very good at it. The old adage of "power corrupts" comes into play heavily when you look at one the life stories we can peice together on this psycho. So is it any question what he wants? Endless Power, nothing more - nothing less. And after reading this diarrhea of the fingers article from Time, I gotta wonder exactly why they didn't peice this relatively simple idea together for themselves...

In the meantime, I don't agree that nuclear proliferation is a bad thing. I think we should all have our own personal nuclear weapon, in the 10-15 megaton range. Nothing too fancy. The drop in muggings and rapes that this will cause should pay for the program itself.

My First Blog

2005-02-17T06:34:00.000-05:00

Hello all...well, let's be serious here: Hello to those proud few who have bothered to click on this humble blog start-up, and a pat on the back for those who have already gotten this far.

I am no stranger to the blog culture, but was recently motivated to create one of my own due to the profound belief that the world will end relatively soon, (Main Cause: Global Stupidity) and I feel the need to be connected a little tighter to this semi-underground community of sardonic political activists and ten-year-old flamers.

This blog may not always be the most intelligent or the most funny that you'll read, but I will strive to make it the most honest, and will try my hardest not to pull any punches.

If you catch me in an error, I will be happy to admit it. If you think I'm right about some things, I'll be even more happy to agree with you.

Enjoy!~