Martha Stewart...To Kill or Not to Kill

Occasionally a current event provides me with so much mental fodder that I’m unable to come up with a clear viewpoint to follow, and hence write about on this blog. My current cerebral ping-pong game focuses on the continuing adventures of Martha Stewart, and her recent release from prison after serving five months.

How do I currently feel about the Queen of Perfection? I have no idea, but let me try and break it down for you:

Bad Point: Martha is rich. Filthy rich. The kind of riches that would dwarf a MegaMillion Lottery win. Not quite as much as Bill Gates, but she could certainly walk into any store in America, buy whatever she wants, and not have to scrimp in other areas of her normal life to pay for it. With this kind of money…why did she risk so much to save $30,000?

Good Point: When her idyllic lifestyle hit the fan, Martha did what many of us would never do: She took the hit. Although she had a thousand appeals and continuances she could have filed, Martha decided to swallow her pride and voluntarily serve her sentence. She choose to leave her hundred-plus acre estates and show up at a white collar prison to start mopping floors. If that wasn’t enough, she did this in full view of an increasingly critical public and media. In short, Martha showed the world that she has balls. Big ones. I assume, of course, that they are color coordinated with her daily wardrobe.

Bad Point: Martha is almost an anachronism in this day and age, promoting the bygone lifestyle of stay-at-home moms spending all their time in tomato gardens, or putting on dinner parties for the successful hubby. Her company has made no real strides to market their products to men, unlike other magazines such as “Gourmet” or “Food and Wine”. As someone who loves to cook (and who does it so well :-), I find Martha’s recipes inaccessible, her shopping lists obtuse, and her general attitude of “nothing less than perfection” to be…ludicrous. She fails to promote the fun in life – she just makes sure it looks pretty.

Good Point: Upon her release from prison, Martha returned to her much-lauded 100+ acre estate, where she was surrounded by reporters begging for a photo or a sound bite. Martha’ first taste of freedom in five months, and she finds herself beset on all sides by a group of people who spent a good two years dragging her name, company, and ambitions through the mud for no gain other than money. So what does Martha do? Get out the shotgun? Have them moved down the street? Nope. She serves them Hot Chocolate, with a smile. Martha not only has balls, she has class.

Bad Point: If I was just released from prison, my first priorities would probably be a liquor store and a whorehouse. Crude, but understandable. Martha, however, has already signed on for a reality show a la “The Apprentice” in which she will presumably try to find someone who is good at cooking, and not stock market fluctuations. This just smacks to me of selling out and cashing in on current celebrity. Besides which, should we show our children a convicted felon on primetime TV, as well as people fighting to emulate her?

Good Point: Whatever Martha did wrong, and whether or not it was intentional, isn’t so important as recognizing that she has paid her debt to society. In serving her time, she has been humbled before the masses and now deserves our respect. She has a clean slate, and should be treated like it. She won’t be – but that’s her fucking problem.

In short, I personally dislike Martha Stewart, but I give her a lot of credit for going through the wretched hell of the past few years. I recommend that she goes slowly in her new life, and she might consider hiring a really really good PR expert.

On the other hand, I'm reminded of the immortal words of Tyler Durden from Fight Club: “Fuck Martha Stewart! She’s just polishing the brass on the Titanic, we’re all going down anyway!”