A list of Demands, in no particular order.

For my continued happiness, I immediately demand:

Free Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream every Thursday.

The immediate carpet bombing of Australia. (Why? Fuck them, that’s why)

A raise and a promotion at my shitty job.

Prohibition of organized sports.

Public Tar and Feathering of the entire Bush Administration (1st, 2nd and 3rd)

A New Car…

…with Turbo Boost, like KITT from Knight Rider. (LI Traffic sucks)

Execution of all contestants who’ve ever been on “American Idol” (including the Judges)
That goes for “The Apprentice” “Survivor” “The Bachelorette” and “Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancé” as well. I grant an exception to “The Rebel Billionaire” because it was a cool show, which of course no one watched.

The power to control people’s minds so that the nation will become a bunch of automatons willing to do my bidding.

Or at the very least, the power to control Angelina Jolie’s mind.

Or just my boss.

Saturn. The moons too.

A public apology from the Pope for encouraging a religion based on guilt and fear.

A big house on the water, surrounded my machine guns and tank emplacements to keep out the masses.

A million billion jillion dollars, in tens and twenties.

A huge pit to keep it all in.

A dog. No, a puppy. Maybe two puppies.

The secrets of the universe, preferably in .pdf format.

The Exploding Rivet Gun from “Metal Arms” for XBOX. (Best game ever)