World Peace? I'd rather have a beer!

I, Grimm of this Blog, have a plan for World Peace.

First, give up any and all hope for world peace, ever. With seven billion people living and working and shitting in such a small place, there will always be conflict. However, that’s not to say that we can’t turn a blind eye to conflict, and start letting the rest of the world figure out their own fucking problems.

My plan for this is as follows:

Immediately close every single overseas military base, outpost, embassy, and McDonalds. Take all this equipment and personnel, and bring them back home for assignment to the hugely expanded US Border Patrol. With 3 Aircraft Carriers on each coast, and soldiers standing shoulder to shoulder along Canada and Mexico, you’ll find it’s very difficult for even a mosquito to get into the country without us knowing about it. This could have avoided all that trouble with the Spice Girls a few years back.

Abandon Alaska, Hawaii, and Puerto Rico at once! Hawaii is mostly owned by Japan anyway, and being an island it’s hard to defend. Alaska can be made into it’s own country (with a self-sufficient economy thanks to oil), and no one remembers why we own Puerto Rico in the first place.

Send the Bush family to Alaska before we sell it. Make sure the Eskimos understand we don’t want them back.

Make a proclamation to the world revising the Monroe Doctrine (at long last) stating that from now on, everyone is on their own. We don’t care how oppressed, poor, disaster ravaged, or diseased you are. Depend on your own leaders to get you out of situations that are largely their own creation anyway. While we will be happy to keep open our trade agreements, since most of the world can’t live without our grain, no contact of any other kind will be tolerated. While this would mean the total obliteration of Israel, South Korea, Taiwan, and maybe Britain, I think we’ve more than fulfilled our obligations to them.

This plan will save billions of dollars every year. For the first five years of closed borders, take this money and put it into a public or private agency dedicated to the colonization of space. Classify their work for the entire five years. At the end of five years, make a further announcement to the world that the US no longer recognizes the 1967 Outer Space Treaty, and that from now, all objects in the solar system are up for grabs to the first person to get there. The next day, immediately launch manned missions to the moon and mars, and claim them for our own. Who wants fucking Saturn anyway?

When mars is completely terra-formed, all Americans will evacuate the Earth, leaving the heathens to their own mess. Before we leave, we can auction the contiguous 48 states on Ebay to the highest bidder. Who wouldn’t wanna own a deserted Washington DC? I bet Osama would be all over that one…

As you can see, it’s a well reasoned, fully thought out plan. It’s a shame it’ll never happen, cuz Earth is doomed any way you look at it. Which is find by me, really. Like I said, I’ll be dead when it happens.